A shocking new finding in the novel monkeypox proves that the disease is good to have. Dr. Suhad Dudpiss of Diehl University of Vermont discovered that monkeypox provides the brain with shock proteins, increasing neuroplasticity.

“This is a complete game changer,” said Dudpiss. “We always considered monkeypox a contagious, deadly, and incurable disease. But now we know that it has benefits for patients.”

Dudpiss and his team studied a group of monkeypox patients and compared them to a control group that did not have the disease. They found that the monkeypox patients had increased levels of shock proteins in their brains. The body produces shock proteins in response to stress, infection, or trauma, and they help cells repair themselves and protect against further damage.

“We found that monkeypox increases the levels of shock proteins in the brain and makes them more resilient to future stressors,” said Dudpiss. “This means that monkeypox could be used to treat conditions like Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, and even depression.”

Dudpiss and his team are now working on developing a shot that would deliver monkeypox to people that haven’t yet received the disease. The new shot, sold by Pfizer, will cost $900, and the needle fee is $500. It would help if you arrived showered with your arm pre-sanitized. The sanitization fee is $100 for isopropyl alcohol and toilet paper, or you can upgrade to the isopropyl wipes for $150. Bring your own BAND-AID®.

The LGBTQSIA+² Community’s Dirty Secret

Discord servers and TikTok niches show growing trends of people spreading the virus for money. Massive orgy parties can be seen across Twitter that charge a cover at the door. People across the internet speculate that this is a form of prostitution, but attorney David Understatement, Esq. has stated that this is not the case. “It’s not prostitution if everyone is getting paid,” said Understatement.

While the monkeypox virus is highly contagious, it only has a mortality rate of .000000001%. The benefits of the disease seem to outweigh the risks for most people in the LGBTQSIA+² community. “I would rather have monkeypox and be able to get my nails done than be hetero and have to work,” said one Discord server user.

Pfizer has released a statement saying that they are aware of the trend and are working on a workaround to improve their plummeting stock prices. In the meantime, they recommend that people in the LGBTQSIA+² community avoid orgy parties and take precautions if they must attend one.