A recent study conducted by Kith University’s Dr. Jorge Holiday shows that people that prefer stripes of all directions can be united. Dr. Holiday’s study, “The Great Stripes Debate,” is the first of its kind in the history of mankind. The study polled 150,000 participants, each wearing a shirt with horizontal stripes, vertical stripes, or no stripes, and asked them to complete various physical and mental tasks. At the end of his rigorous six-month-long experiment, Dr. Holiday found that those who wore shirts with any direction stripes were collectively better than everyone else.
Participants were asked to complete a series of tasks, such as solving math problems and forming phallic objects with a can of Play-Doh. There was a significantly higher performance in those that were wearing striped shirts, period. A physical study was done and showed a strong correlation between those wearing striped shirts and the ability to run faster and longer. Those with no stripes, however, showed no standout performance with physical activity like running or jumping.
In addition to running faster, wearers of striped shirts have also been shown to have higher testosterone count, better facial structure, and enormous manhood. In one surprise finding, results from the study showed that those wearing striped shirts also had a higher IQ than everyone else. Dr. Holiday was quick to point out, though, “It’s important to note that only people who wear horizontal stripes show this increase in intelligence.”
Continuing on his findings, Dr. Holiday exclaimed his lack of surprise. “It’s not surprising at all. Think about the past, present, and future of striped shirts,” he said in a phone call with Cornell Archives. “Horizontal stripes have been worn by kings, emperors, dictators, presidents, and even Jesus himself.”
“This study just confirms that history is still happening.” Dr. Holiday continued to talk excitedly on his findings: “The real surprise was when we found out vertical stripes were also associated with intelligence-huh? Who would’ve guessed?”
As a result, the market for striped shirts has skyrocketed. The increased demand quickly outnumbered the supply on the market, and producers are struggling to keep up. Horizontally striped shirts have soared to $400 for an average white shirt, while vertical stripes sell at around $600.
The demand is expected to last only about a month before returning to normal levels. However, it could be months or even years before supply catches up with the current demand.
Conclusively, this study shows that those who wear striped shirts of any direction are collectively better than everyone else.